Not a Cool Girl

I downloaded Tinder (again). Not to find true love this time - I can see you roll your eyes, but what can I say, my cynicism doesn't stop me from being a hopeless romantic *shrug*. This time, I downloaded it for some kinky fun together with a friend, we're looking for a girl. And wow, it's amazing to see all the profiles I usually didn't! For those who use Tinder as a boost for their self-esteem depending on how many likes they get from guys, it's actually much more informative to have a look at the profiles of other women to know your "competition". (Not trying to pin women against women here, I just think it's nice to know where I'm standing.) And while most profiles are pretty similar - most people like traveling, wining and dining, and dislike Nazis and fake people - there was one today which had me hooked, kinda. Not sure if it was a fake account though, but it seemed pretty real. I'm not exaggerating, this girl looked like a supermodel. She even referred to that by stating that she's not Candice Swanepoel, which may be a little conceited, but then again, if the shoe fits...

All it took were four pictures and two short videos made with Instagram stories to immediately become obsessed with her. Not only did she look naturally stunning with her slightly tanned skin and blonde beach waves, wearing just a hint of makeup, but she also seemed very bubbly, outgoing, and a little outdoorsy. A Boomerang of her eating mac and cheese, followed by a video of her happily dancing around in a colorful knitted bikini gave me the ultimate Cool Girl vibes. You know, the kind of girl described by Gillian Flynn in Gone Girl. In case you don't know what I'm talking about, here it is:

Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.

Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men – friends, coworkers, strangers – giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them. I’d want to grab the poor guy by his lapels or messenger bag and say: The bitch doesn’t really love chili dogs that much – no one loves chili dogs that much! And the Cool Girls are even more pathetic: They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. Oh, and if you’re not a Cool Girl, I beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the Cool Girl. It may be a slightly different version – maybe he’s a vegetarian, so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. There are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants Cool Girl, who is basically the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain. (How do you know you’re not Cool Girl? Because he says things like: “I like strong women.” If he says that to you, he will at some point fuck someone else. Because “I like strong women” is code for “I hate strong women.”)

I feel this so much. It reminds me of how, a couple of years ago, I tried to force myself to drink beer and enjoy it even though I'm allergic to barley and wheat (didn't know it back then, but still felt particularly uncomfortable when drinking beer). Or when, while watching the Gilmore Girls, I got upset because my metabolism just wouldn't burn off tons of junk food like a slice of cucumber. (Their unhealthy relationship with food is an entirely different topic.) I really thought that someone could not like me because I'd rather eat a salad. So even though I'm fortunately much happier with myself than I was back then, I'm still not indifferent when comparing myself to others.

Especially because I probably couldn't be more opposite to the Cool Girl. Some guys even called me intimidating, probably because of my height and my bitchy resting face. I'm also not conventionally attractive. I'm definitely not ugly either, but I'm well aware that I'm not everyone's type. Not like Candice Swanepoel's unrelated cousin. But in addition to that, I rarely like anyone or anything from the start. It takes time to convince me. So for someone to get me to like them, they already have to put in some effort. And I'm not talking about wooing me with crazy things, but about being reliable, loyal, and respectful of my time. It's always funny how some people, ahem men, who ask me out of the blue to meet up one hour later blame me for not being spontaneous enough when I decline. I'm sure Cool Girl would jump at the occasion.

I also don't like to bro out and just play video games or stuff like that. I need deep talks. My ideal date actually is just that, a great conversation with a great person. I don't care if we sit in a fancy restaurant or at McDonald's, next to the smelly restrooms. But I guess deep talk is just too exhausting for some. One guy actually told me that he'd like to fuck me, but that it would never work with us because it'd be too much deep talk. A week later or so he asked me if he could lick my ass. In typical Aries manner, he's now blocked.

But as I mentioned, I can get really obsessed with Cool Girls, despite kinda hating them. They show me what I'm not and, in that way, remind me of the things I'd like to be. After all, envy and obsession are just indicators of what we want to achieve for ourselves. As for the girl on Tinder, it was the positive attitude that really drew me in. And I decided that I should smile more often in pictures. And now that I'm writing this, having the all too common comment "You should smile more often" addressed to women by men in my head, I'm hating myself a little. Maybe I'll stay with my bitchy resting face. It fits my obsession with astrology and witchy stuff, as well as my love for cats. Crazy Esoteric Cat Lady sounds way more appealing to me than Cool Girl.